Slaying the Demon of Doubt  by Shaine Melrose

Seven years ago, something happened in my life that gave me the opportunity to slay a demon and achieve a dream I had long ago.

I had wanted to study journalism after high school and was interested in writing plays and short stories. Being a very creative student, attending a high school with a strong arts and drama department was perfect.

My poetry was acknowledged at school, winning school poetry competitions, twice becoming school Poet Laurette, laurel crown and all.

That young kid also had drama opportunities, being one of ten accepted from applications state-wide, to attend Drama Careers Week in Melbourne at what was called then the Drama Resource Centre, working with MTC.

Sadly, it was in an era when pressure was on to work in a real job and not pursue art. This made me cynical towards my dreams and myself. I was a grief-stricken kid trying to become an adult and fucked a lot of opportunities up.

The need for nature and sanity tumbled me into the horticultural trade, where I remained for three decades.

Although always a writer of poetry, I hadn’t pursued writing earnestly since high school, over thirty-five years ago.

When my life choices were critically challenged by declining health, I was forced to reinvent myself. No longer free to use my limbs and horticultural knowledge at a whim, I returned to poetry.

Adelaide has been such fertile ground for a middle-aged emerging writer like myself. There were many poetry events and open mic nights in Adelaide for me to begin this reinvention and fire up some old skills in performing.

Through attending readings and then reading myself, I began to develop a little more confidence. It took over a year before I could remember the reading, so terrified of exposing myself it would just blank out from my mind, poetic amnesia.

My partner would film the gigs she attended and seeing my performance replayed helped me to remain in myself and develop stronger performance and writing skills.

I wanted to write well and perform, but I was up against time and illness. I did not want to become the multitude of medical conditions that chewed away at my body. I wanted to be a writer.

I wanted to get up and belt out poems in competitions, write books, and submit poetry to journals and magazines, hopefully to get published. The start was slow. It still is, and it is always difficult.

I suffer from chronic pain and chronic fatigue. My primary condition is Fibromyalgia, and unknown to me at that time, I also had hyperparathyroidism.

The effort to practice and perform was debilitating, but it was feeding my soul. Surrounded by a broad mix of people, young and old, all with a similar creative drive was life-changing.

I felt purpose and joy when, for the many years prior, it was despair and worthlessness.

First, I collected all my written work and transcribed it into the computer. Then, I selected the best poems and put them into a little collection I self-published to use as a CV. The process was like one long affirmation; it took a year. I called it The Road Will Take You There.

Then, I approached mentors to work with to enrich my knowledge of poetry and writing. I wrote and re-wrote, felt humiliated, threw stuff away, and read anything I could get my hands on. It occurred to me that I needed to write something more meaningful than what I was working on. I had a new plan.

For three months, I worked on an application to Arts SA to apply for a grant to pay for mentoring to create my project, attending as many workshops as I could afford. I often couldn’t get out of bed, felt ill, and lacking in confidence.

I had joined Writer’s SA, subscribed to magazines and journals, and aimed high, but was dejected, rejected, and occasionally accepted.

I read with Friendly Street Poets, critiqued work in critique groups, and made friends with anyone who would talk about writing and poetry, but I became increasingly ill. Then Covid 19 hit.

My grant application to Arts SA was accepted. I couldn’t believe it. Bolstered by that, I worked day and night on the project. My partner re-named our study ‘The Bard Cave’.

Lockdowns prevented live events, giving me more energy. Zoom allowed online events, and I attended some, meeting more wonderful people on the Eastern seaboard and in America. Learning to keep a little energy for later rather than burn it off in a fury of passion.

By the middle of 2021, my grant project was finished and “The Natural World Does Somersaults” was submitted to the Friendly Street Poets Single Poet Competition. It was Highly Commended, much to my delight.

That demon stopping me from reaching out for creative expression was certainly mortally wounded.

Towards the end of 2022, My chapbook Shooting Words From My Soul won a place in Friendly Street Poets, New Poets #23. Meanwhile, my full-length collection worked on the tiny circuit of poetry publishers in Australia and was constantly being honed with each rejection.

In 2023, I was shortlisted for the 2022 Judith Wright Poetry Prize with my poem ‘Soft Fruit’, and later that year, I was on the longlist of the 2023 Canberra University Vice Chancellor’s Poetry Prize, with my poem ‘Hold Me Together I am Dying To Live’.

A fantastic achievement from two competitions my sometimes ambitious, forgetful, tongue-tied inner poet had aimed for from the beginning.

Local achievements also helped spurr me on.

My inner voice constantly chanted, ‘aim high’, and helped me to focus on an endpoint. It’s tough; you don’t always make it in the fashion you imagine, but I broke through obstacles the whole way, and that was encouraging. I have met fantastic people, who enriched my life, made me grow and taught me valuable lessons.

Some people have shown great compassion; some offered friendship that continues, and others couldn’t care less. I like them all. We are all trying to navigate our baggage and ambition.

I am grateful I have had the love and support to get through some enormous struggles which are ongoing. I was certainly given a great dose of resilience.

I knew the demon was dead the day I received the letter from Walleah Press saying something like, ‘Hello, thanks again for your manuscript, The Natural World Somersaults. It’s a terrific book (though painful to read at times); it’ll be a pleasure to publish it if you remain interested.’

The Natural World Somersaults — my debut poetry collection — is due for release by Walleah Press in 2024.

The Natural World Somersaults collection is coming soon to Walleah Press and Goodwood Bookshop, SA. Matilda’s Bookshop stocks My Shooting Words From My Soul chapbook in both Stirling and Goodwood, SA.

AUTHOR BIO

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
'Hold me together I am dying to live', The University of Canberra Vice Chancellor’s International poetry prize anthology 2023, published 2024
'Soft Fruit', Overland Journal, #150 June 2023
The poet breaks Published Online, Mindshare.org.au writing, Nov 2022

Click here to read more about Shaine and her wonderful poetry.