The Loneliness of Coffee

Loneliness is a Big Topic

Whether we prefer a latte, flat white, short or long black, espresso, macchiato or, dare I say it, chai (sic), few of us would associate loneliness with coffee. Instead, we would typically associate coffee drinking with commensality, community and camaraderie.

On weekends in the seaside suburb where I live, schools of ageing cyclists clatter over the pavement with their cleated riding boots to commandeer large tables at the best coffee shops. For those whose intimate conversation is drowned out by loud male voices — for the groups are mostly all-male — we enjoy a giggle at skinny old arses showing through the Lycra instead.

What is lonely about a group of cyclists? Well, I guess it is the sort of loneliness that drives humans into groups, that existential angst that asks, ‘what’s it all about?’ If we can cover loneliness in frenetic activity and togetherness, the argument goes, we’ll be OK.

Can we also assume from the lyrics in The Whitlam’s song that, there is ‘No Aphrodisiac’ like loneliness, that loneliness itself spurs us towards connection? Doesn’t the ‘you’ in the song evoke the way we yearn for what is missing or absent from our lives?

A Lesson from John Marsden’s Masterclass

Recently, I was lucky enough to attend a writing masterclass with John Marsden, one of Australia’s most prolific and popular writers who has sold five million books worldwide. Of his 40 books, many, like Tomorrow, When the War Began, screened by ABC Australia, are young adult fiction.

One of the short exercises Marsden set for the masterclass of 70+ participants was to write a scene portraying loneliness. He told us to show the emotion, not tell.

I wrote the following.

Starbucks

Leaving aside whether this little piece of writing is good, bad or indifferent, or even whether it shows Phyllis’ loneliness as the exercise required, let me now put it in the context that led to this post.

Cafes, Coffee and Loneliness at the Workshop

As it happened, a new friend sitting next to me at Marsden’s workshop wrote a similar scene to mine, although instead of talking about SUV-style prams, her story was about the invasion of a coffee shop by a mother’s club when her protagonist, like Phyllis, was sitting alone. We laughed at the similarities, but,we were not alone.

When John Marsden asked who would like to share their story, a few shy hands went up. The first person read sitting down, after which he gave a little disquisition to advise that when we share our writing, we need to stand to read so as to command the room. The poor girl was embarrassed. Needless to say, the next half a dozen readers stood up, throwing their voices.

What intrigued me though, was that they had all written scenes that mentioned barristers, coffee and cafes. In a group of 70+, that means at least 10% talked in slightly different ways about the loneliness of coffee in our society. The task was to evoke loneliness. The percentage who chose ‘coffee’ as their setting for loneliness prompted me to write this post.

Does Coffee Alleviate Loneliness?

I remember years ago feeling welcomed at Starbucks with my laptop (until the SUV prams arrived, which sparked my scene above). Starbucks left South Australia soon after.

Beginning writers are often encouraged to take themselves away from home to work. Some go to libraries, but many people have favourite coffee shops where there is both atmosphere and an opportunity to people-watch. It is fortunate that Australia is renowned for its café and coffee culture.

The many ways coffee shops tell us something about our society reminds me of my early years as a barmaid. In my father’s pubs and many others where I worked over the years, old single men would wait by the front door at opening time, ready to claim their favourite stool. There they would sit, staring at their glass, drinking slow and steady all day. They would only lift their heads when an opportunity to corner the bar staff or a customer who might listen presented itself.

Our TV soapies cast such iconic pub characters as the slightly potty, hobnobbing knowers of obscure and secret things about a neighbourhood that others might want to forget. But, those men were isolates and probably lonely. Could it be that the modern, upmarket coffee shop serves a similar function to Australian pubs?

An Aside

I won’t get into pokie parlours except to say that the scientific and medical research into problem gambling might better serve the public if they could find an answer to levels of loneliness in contemporary society.

What is Loneliness?

The Macquarie Dictionary tells us that the words, ‘lonely’ and ‘loneliness’ are nouns. (Try pronouncing the adverbial form, ‘lonelily’). However, most definitional lists are given under the adjectival forms, ‘lonelier’ and ‘loneliest’ which is rather odd.

The Macquarie definitions below pertain only to the word ‘lonely’. To me, they describe the cause of loneliness, not the state. Number five is the closest you get to what loneliness actually is, but the definition is circular.

1. lone; solitary; without company

2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly company

3. remote from people or places of human activity

4. standing apart; isolated

5. affected with, characterised by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome

The question remains, what is loneliness? Like dictionaries, the internet too tells us nothing of its nature abut is big on describing its effects (presumably for a caring industry).

Loneliness has a wide range of negative effects on both physical and mental health, including depression and suicide, cardiovascular disease and stroke and other health consequences. Unlike our dictionary, this article at least tells us loneliness is an emotion. It also says that loneliness is a state of mind which, fortunately, is something we can change.

Lifeline

I should add here, as others do on this topic, if you are suffering right now, contact Lifeline. Knowing the causes of loneliness is fine, but sometimes we feel lonely and depressed for no reason and may need to reach out for help. There’s no shame in that.

Alone or in a Crowd

Given the paucity of understanding about what loneliness might actually be, John Marsden was onto something when he asked us to write a short scene ‘showing’ it in action, in situ.

As we know, loneliness is different from isolation. And, being alone does not by itself cause loneliness. Some of us are natural loners.

So, how does loneliness show itself? How do we write about it without naming it? Well, here is a series of mini expositions on how loneliness feels. Even though this article is telling in a literary sense, it gives writers a few hints about how we might show, depict, evoke or portray a character experiencing loneliness.

I must say that I disagree with the proposition that loneliness is ‘unnatural’ as this somewhat unreliable source does. To say that is to deny an emotion that we can all feel at times. For example, loneliness comes upon us exquisitely in grief. That is natural. As such is not unique to the modern world although I grant it may be more ubiquitous in industrialised society.

Still, we need to explore such writings because a) they come from a well-intentioned space, and b) everything helps us as writers to understand better how to portray this particular human state on the page.

We can drown in loneliness whether we are alone or in a crowd. We can be lonelier in a relationship than when single. Loneliness remains in many ways, a mystery. But, as I’ve previously argued, we need periods of tragedy and disaster to enhance our writing. Why not add loneliness to the list?

Back to Coffee

Trainee barista Karin Stenback tells us there are five things we should know about Australian coffee culture. Coffee in Australia, she says, is a way of life and ours, in little old down-under Australia, is one of the most advanced in the world. I had to laugh when I read —

Starbucks…failed to enter the markets in Australia, because Australians didn’t like the poor quality of their coffee and their average customer service (Munchies). Australians want to drink coffee that tastes like coffee. People are demanding quality flavours and aromas, quality roasting and brewing and simply just caring baristas who’ll treat the coffee the way they should.

Karin Stenback

Choosing our favourite coffee shop makes a statement about who we are, the location, the venue, and the quality of the coffee are all-important. Capitalism offers a choice, and we choose our coffee accordingly. Taste in coffee adds to our identity just as styles of music and fashion do.

We are, in these ways, what we consume and therein lies the problem. Beneath the mask of identity lies the existential angst of loneliness in our culture.

Whether you go to a coffee shop to escape yourself, avoid being home alone, or to get together with friends at the end of a marathon Saturday or Sunday morning cycle, we all seek to not feel lonely.

When are you Lonely?

Think about those times you feel lonely. What do you do to escape the feeling? Do you ever stay with it to see what it is trying to tell you?

Instead of seeking it, write about how you seek to escape when you are lonely. Where do you go, what do you do? Write about how you feel and think of ways to portray that, to show, not tell.

Always in this sort of exercise, write about yourself in the third person as you move into, through and out of an episode of loneliness.

Ok, that’s it from me till next time.
Happy Writing

lindy @ wattletales